I’m constantly amazed at the sociology of “blame”. Every time I open the newspaper, read the news on the Internet or listen to talkback on the radio, all I hear is blame. For every victim, there has to be a perpetrator. There is something very human about finding someone to accuse.
Worse however, is the need to blame “something” when we can’t blame “someone”?
I’ve noticed in others and myself the need to blame a tool for a bad job, or the car for bad driving. We can’t stand the idea that we might be the problem, or that other people think that too. Underlying this avoidance of responsibility is a significant fear of shame.
In a many cultures shame is used as a way of claiming a degree of justice. The drawback however, is that shame all too often becomes a lifelong sentence – a punishment way out of proportion to some fairly petty offence. Enduring shame for long periods of time is only a hairs breadth from being a death sentence.
Guilt and shame are not the same. Guilt is good for us if we are prepared to face it because it can lead to change. Guilt simply says, “I have done something wrong”. It’s a situation from which we can recover or be restored. Guilt leads to change.
Shame is nasty. Shame is a state of mind that says, “I am something wrong”. It’s no longer about what I have done, but rather who I am. I carry in my person a deep sense that I am of little worth personally or to anyone else. How a state of shame restores anyone escapes me.
I think blame is based on a fear of feeling shamed. A fear so deeply rooted that even when we know we are wrong we’ll scramble to apportion blame to an inanimate object simply to reduce the burden we fear so much.
Now it’s fair to say that most people will happily confess to things that are benign, like forgetting to bring the washing in or failing to post the mail as we promised. But even then we only own-up if we feel safe with the people we own-up to.
Accepting responsibility is dangerous because it makes us vulnerable. But unless we learn to accept guilt as the basis of redemption, what kind of society are we generating in the long term?
I have children whom I hope will learn that accepting responsibility leads to growth and grace for them and those they live and work with. Shame only shrivels and hardens the soul.
Jesus said, “the truth will set you free” - running from it only imprisons us. Facing the truth about ourselves is the first step to becoming who we are intended to be – people made in the image of God.
Try not to “blame” for a week. Own-up to the things you mess up. You might just be surprised at how freeing it really is.
© Digby Wilkinson 2008