One of life’s difficult realities is living with the disapproval of others. The old saying “you’ll never please all the people all the time” is a simple truth, but a truth we struggle to live with.
Everyone has their own set of filters through which they interpret life and engage with those around them. More often than not those filters are not the same from person to person. For some reason we buck against this knowledge. We succumb to anger and frustration when our ideas are rejected, when we are told “no”, or “we’re not good enough”.
I want to suggest that the sooner we accept the awful truth that we can’t please everyone, the easier our lives become. I don’t mean mere ascent to the idea of not pleasing everyone – such clichés roll off the tongue too easily. I’m suggesting we practice living “with” the expectation of disapproval instead of fighting it all the time.
Rather than feeling rejected by disapproval it’s easier to say, “Here it is again, it’s not my enemy”. Oddly enough, once we’ve learned to expect it, we are more able to receive praise and approval as an equally expected reality.
Every day of my life I seesawing between the acceptance and rejection from others. One phone conversation delivers good news, another bad. One of my kids likes me while the other struggles against me. Some people think I’m a great guy, others see me as a kind of blight on the planet.
This back and forth experience of being liked and disliked, approved and disapproved of is part of everyone’s life. Obviously I far prefer being liked and approved of. But as I have become more comfortable in my own skin I depend less on external approval for my sense of well-being.
But is this good? Even a narcissistic psychopath can be comfortable with themselves and happily ignore the valid opinions of other people. What separates me from a narcissist? Here’s the deal. I not only expect disapproval, I listen to it! That’s the difference.
Expecting to be rejected is one thing, listening to it and learning from it is a whole different thing. The critical views of others may not line with how I see myself, or how those who love me view me, but it doesn’t mean they are wrong. Maybe I am selfish on occasion. Maybe I am aloof. Perhaps I am a manipulator from time to time. I need to listen and learn.
There’s an Old Testament proverb that says “Do not be wise in your own eyes….”. Self insight is a great goal, but it is generated in community. Self insight is seeing in ourselves what others have already seen – the good and the bad. It’s not a solo experience. This being the case, perhaps the disapproval of others is not such a awful thing after all.
What others think is not that important. What we do with what they think is the difference between growth and stagnation – the good life or something else.
Digby Wilkinson