If there was ever a televised illustration of the saying, “Life isn’t fair” then Dancing with the Stars would have to be it. Our family seems to have adopted watching this programme out of some morbid anticipation that the most unlikely person will be eliminated for reasons that are never entirely clear. I guess that’s the whole point. Yet, I wonder if those eliminated without reasonable cause feel elated that they have contributed to the general public’s entertainment? I doubt it.
When our kids were small we met another family who were teaching their children that life isn’t fair. However, the process was draconian. Every time they went in the car and stopped for an ice cream, someone always missed out. To make matters worse, the mode of choosing who would suffer was entirely random, which meant it was possible for one person to miss out more frequently than the others.
We never tried this approach to education. Two reasons: First, there would have been a mutiny of apocalyptic proportions. Second, I hate missing out! Third (two is not enough), it’s just plain mean. It’s not life that’s unfair, it’s nasty parenting.
So where am I going with this? Whenever difficult or unexplainable things happen, God always gets the wrap. God is the divine parent taking the kids on a journey through history. On occasion God decides to throw a few out of the car while it’s moving; randomly gives ice creams to some while others miss out, and watches with indifference while a few nasty children beat the living daylight out of the vulnerable ones. Essentially God is nasty. After all, if God were a good parent these sort of things wouldn’t be allowed.
It’s a slightly strange view of God, but it’s one that gets more airtime than it deserves.
I love my kids and would do everything within my power for them, if it was right to do so. Yet there are many things that I choose not to do. Breaking up every fight doesn’t stop the urge to fight. They need bigger reasons not to use violence than merely the concern that someone with more power will step in. Giving them whatever they want will not make them any happier. Bullying the bully, on their behalf, will not teach them justice. Avoiding guilt and remorse also avoids forgiveness and reconciliation.
I want them to learn that this life of eating and drinking and watching Rugby isn’t eternal - people die. It’s what we’re born to do. In a world that clamours for accountability over every death, I want them to know that death is part of life, but not the end of real life - that’s eternal.
I want my kids to value the short life time they have and in doing so value it for others too. Three score years and ten is not a target, or a right, it’s just a number. Life is now, it’s how we choose to live it that counts. God is with us in the joy, the carnage and grief - just like every great parent.
Digby Wilkinson 2009