The sad reality of my miserable life is that I tend to forget fathers day each year. This is surprising considering the endless advertising that is timed for when my wife and kids watch tele. The reason for this is that I have to be at church long before they get out of bed. Subsequently, I’m never awoken on Sunday morning to howls of “happy Father’s day.”
Every now and then I wonder if there might be some new electric device waiting for me in the garage. Nothing special, just a drill press, bench saw or lithium Ion battery powered drill that will last all day and change the oil in the car. Yet these are pipe dreams really.
When our first child was born I can remember wondering what on earth we were supposed to do with this fat 8 pound baby. I sat with him in my arms for a couple of hours while my wife slept. Though I marvelled at my new son and fatherhood, I was also dumbfounded by my complete ignorance. I had no idea what to do, what to say or even how to feel. What I did know was that my life as I had known it had just finished.
It’s common knowledge that children really do mess up your plans. Despite the fact we planned to start a family, the experience was seriously different from my assumptions. I knew there would be no sleep. I knew that babies cried. I knew that my wife would change. I knew that we wouldn’t be invited out anymore and I knew about snotty noses, vomit and disgusting nappies. What I discovered was that I knew nothing!
Knowledge and experience are not the same. When it comes to vomit and nappies, knowledge can’t comprehend smell and texture. Reading about sleep deprivation is not the same walking around at work with your eyes closed. Yet the work of raising a child never abates.
In every generation it seems the role of being a father changes, just as it does being a mother. Anyone who thinks there is a divinely inspired way of being a parent is deluded. It’s a constantly shifting target. Perhaps that’s why there is no instruction manual with each child because being a parent is little more than improvised street theatre. Everyone is learning on the run.
But to improvise well fathers need ethics to live by and relational tools to work with. What kind of people are we? How do we live? And would we want the same for our kids?
Harry Chapin’s song, The Cat and the Cradle” has in the chorus, “I only want to be like you dad, I only want to be like you”. At the moment I’m OK with that. However, I need to stop from time to time and ask myself, “Is that OK today?” Inasmuch as my kids are learning and growing through me, I’m in exactly the same boat. Who am I becoming? Who am I emulating and why?
For my children, every day is “A Father’s Day” because every day I shape them in some way.
Digby Wilkinson 2009